Title: The edge of the petal. (1/3)
Author: heloula / helaluvE
Warning: spoilery if you haven’t watched s4 and/or if you live under a rock.
Summary: Despite everything, Kurt and Blaine find ways to be there for each other. Takes place during 4x06 and will take us further in the future.
Note: This took a life of its own. I don’t know where it came from or how it ended up on your dashes but here it is. I do know it wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for anddreammylifeaway who is basically my muse and the best thing a writer could ask for.Claire, you are my sunshine. She also gets credit for the awesome title.
Part 2 this weekend and part 3 at the beginning of next week.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The thought comes to Kurt as he walks along McKinley’s hallway. He feels different, he knows he has changed and yet being back feels like no time has passed. Truth be told, it isn’t that long since he was roaming these halls but New York and the break-up left him feeling like it’s been years. Somewhere, not far from where he finally comes to a stop, You’re The One That I Want is being sung and Kurt knows he hasn’t much time but he can’t bring himself to hurry. He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves and tries not to let himself dwell too much. It’s just a locker. It doesn’t represent anything. It won’t mock Kurt. It won’t hold what he’s about to do against him.
The thing is Kurt can’t really understand why he’s here or if he’s doing the right thing. He feels a bit ridiculous, standing in front of Blaine’s locker holding a bouquet of red and yellow roses in his hands and a complementary note but he can’t make himself leave. He feels shaky with how much he’s feeling right now but he needs to do this.
The hurt of the betrayal is still as fresh as if it happened yesterday and the pain of losing Blaine still keeps him up at night. He misses Blaine. It’s the most stupid of the human normalcies. It’s not something he can control and after so many weeks trying, he’s decided to stop. It’s not to say that things can ever go back to the way they were. He doesn’t see that happening and that is perhaps the saddest part of it all. Accepting this situation and moving on from Blaine is not something that was ever part of his plan.
But maybe, just maybe, this is for the best. Maybe Kurt and Blaine need to not be Kurt and Blaine anymore. Maybe they need to grow apart to be able to grow up. At least, that’s what he tells himself when he feels like he’s cried enough for ten lifetimes. It doesn’t make him feel better. It still deeply, unbelievably, ridiculously, bitterly sucks.
So why was he here? Because he still loves Blaine. He may not have answered any of his texts or calls, he may not be ready to face him and he may not be able to feel ok yet but he does still love him and Kurt has a twisted inkling that it will be the case for a very long time to come. So, for tonight, Kurt is putting his pain aside and focusing on making Blaine’s a little less important.
The decision to come hasn’t been an easy one to make. His friends have emailed and texted and called, begging him and Rachel to come watch the show but Kurt had been in no mood for it. He loves them all dearly but that was asking too much of him. That changed when he got a video montage in his e-mail. Brittany had been making a sort of behind the scenes video of the production of Grease including a footage of the auditions. After watching Blaine’s performance of Hopelessly Devoted to You, Kurt locked himself in the loft (Rachel had to spend the weekend at Quinn’s) and he didn’t leave it for three days.
After that he made a few calls and he learned through Mercedes that Blaine was barely the shadow of his former self. She even made a joke about his sad eyebrows which was, in all fairness, hilarious but that only brought another wave of tears to Kurt’s eyes.
It isn’t fair. Of course, it isn’t fair for Blaine’s pain to be even more unbearable than his own but it doesn’t change the fact that it is. So, here he stands and if making this small gesture allows Blaine to feel better, even for just a few seconds, Kurt will allow this pause in his own torment. He needs to fix this gigantic mess somehow. He needs to not feel like the world is ending and this seems like a good way to start.
He bought the flowers on the way to the show and he quickly wrote the note a few minutes ago after watching Blaine perform Beauty School Dropout. Yes, the more things change the more they stay the same and Blaine still takes Kurt’s breath away. Maybe, that’s reason enough to reach out, even if it’s in this insignificant and cowardly way.
He reaches for the lock with sure, practiced fingers and quickly unlocks it before pulling open the small door. His breath stutters in his throat as he takes in the shrine in front of him. Every inch of Blaine’s locker is a reminder of Kurt or their relationship. The pictures, taken not so very long ago makes his chest ache in the most awful way and he decides to hurry up before he becomes an incoherent mess of tears and snot. He shuffles some of Blaine’s books and notebooks aside to make room for the flowers. He plucks one out of the bouquet, a yellow one, and closes the door. He pulls out the small envelope from inside his jacket and quickly tapes it to the door along with the single flower. He takes a step back and takes in his handiwork. He allows himself a deep breath and he hopes this won’t come to bite him in the ass later on.
He can already hear the applause and the eager cheering of the crowd so he backs away from Blaine’s locker and makes his way to the parking lot.
Blaine doesn’t have a valid reason for going to his locker except to get away from the crowd and his bubbly friends. It’s really hard not to feel bitterly alone in the middle of them all. The show was amazing and at any other time, he might have felt pride for his performance but not tonight. Tonight, Kurt was in the audience and he didn’t stay. Blaine watched him leave from the side stage a couple of hours ago –barely minutes after Blaine’s scene- and he hasn’t seen him since. He’s not here anymore, Blaine knows because he’s made sure. It feels like a cruel joke. It feels a lot like his life for the last month, actually. Give him happiness and take it all away. He knows he’s not being fair, he knows this is all his doing but he’s past the point of caring. He just needs Kurt and Kurt doesn’t need or want him anymore.
Blaine sets his jaw and makes the solemn promise not to cry in halls of McKinley again, or at least not tonight. He turns the corner and he freezes as his locker comes to view. He feels like an elephant is sitting on his chest and his eyes fill with tears before he even reaches the door. So much for not crying tonight.
Fingers shaking embarrassingly, he unpeels the flower along with the note from the locker door. He brings the flower to his nose and the scent triggers memory he’s not ready for. He lets the tears slip; no longer caring if anyone sees him. He thinks about waiting to be in the comfort of his own bedroom to read the note but he knows himself better than that. It’s a miracle he hasn’t torn the envelope to shreds already, to be honest.
He opens his locker to tape the flower to the inside of his locker door, because at this point, he doesn’t even care how pathetic he might seem and he’s again surprised out of his wits as he takes in the gorgeous bouquet of red and yellow roses in front of his eyes. His heart lodges itself in his throat and he’s dizzy with the scant seconds of happiness he’s feeling for the first time in a long while. He smiles and it feels strange and not quite alright but he smiles and that hasn’t happened in a while either.
He manages to tape the yellow rose to his locker door, next to the picture of himself and Kurt that was taken by Tina at the beginning of the school year. When he’s done, he looks down at the envelope in his hand and traces the cursive with his fingertips.
That’s all it says. Not ‘To Blaine’ or ‘From Kurt to Blaine’ because Kurt knew Blaine would get it. Of course it’s from Kurt. He slides a finger under the lid and unpeels it slowly, not above savoring every second of it. He hasn’t heard from Kurt since that awful night. He doesn’t care what’s in the note; it might be insults and threats to his life, he will enjoy it because it’s from Kurt and he misses Kurt more than is healthy.
He pulls out the small piece of paper, takes a deep breath and starts to read the short note.
You put Frankie Avalon to shame.
I’m not surprised.
Still your biggest fan,
Blaine reads and re-reads the note until his eyes are no longer blurry with tears. For the first time in a month, he feels human again.